Adiah, meet Eros

Toddler-Adiah from around about then.

Toddler-Adiah from around about then.

For those that don't know, Eros is a baby we lost between Adiah and Walden. I wrote and shared about this baby while I was waiting for Eros to leave my body. The actual miscarriage came at the absolute worst time, as if there was a good time for such a thing. Russ was out of town for a conference and I was home mothering Adiah. It was miserable (the loss and with no partner, not the mothering Adiah), to say the least.

Adiah was too young to understand what was going on and a source of radiant light, so suffice it to say, mama was just very sick for a few days while doing her best to solo parent a toddler.

Over the past couple of years Adiah has come up with her own theology for where babies come from, in a spiritual sense. She is very clear that they are stars in the sky. She often talks about how she isn't ready for her stars in the sky, and that they aren't ready for her, but that they are her very own twinkling lights up there just waiting to inhabit her belly someday (her words).

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this now (the conversation that follows) but I just wanted it to be out there, in the world. So I'm finally writing out this very divine moment, a few months later.

While we were in Brooklyn over the winter holidays, I noticed that across the street from a favorite spot to stop of mine, Bakeri, there was a store, "The Great Eros." It was the first time I'd encountered our baby's name out in the world. After walking by near-to-daily, I finally mustered the courage to ask Adiah to take a photo of me standing by the store front on one of our final days in the city. She didn't want to. Okay fine, you're four, you get a pass. I desperately asked a couple walking by. I think I blurted out something about Eros being a baby we lost in a 7 second exchange of phone and photo taking. It was awkward. Why I didn't selfie that ish is evidence of how outside my own head I was.

Adiah was naturally quite curious as to why I wanted a photo with this store we actually never entered, despite my being intrigued by what was inside. I do not know what came over me but, on the coldest of cold December mornings, with Walden on my back and Adiah by my side, I told her about Eros. I told her about how there was a baby in my body that we didn't get to keep. I told her that we named it Eros. Tears began streaming down my face, though I was trying to conceal them at this point as I didn't want it to be a scary thing for her. And being four, and being Adiah, seeing me cry is often more a scary thing than it is a tender thing.

She had questions, naturally. But mostly she had profound wisdom.

Eros is our family’s very own, most brightest twinkling star in the sky. ... Like a planet!
That follows us wherever we go.
That is just ours, our very own.
That wasn’t ready to be in this world.
That wanted to go back to being a star in the sky.
That maybe we will meet when we go be stars in the sky again... and then we will all be together.

And it was with that last comment that I. fucking. lost. it. She had never, nor has ever since, mentioned this sort of after-life. I didn't inquire further, I just let those tears roll.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adiah, my fire.
Eros, our very own star in the sky.
Walden, our weedling, thus far along for the wild ride.