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Some moments in motherhood feel like a gut punch you never saw coming.
The first time your child looks you dead in the eye tiny fists clenched, jaw trembling—and spits out, “I hate you!”
It feels like betrayal. Like the air gets knocked from your lungs.
Like everything you’ve poured into them the sleepless nights, the lullabies whispered in the dark, the sacrifices, the infinite love has been reduced to three words, flung at you with venom.
I know because I’ve been there.
My son, Mateo, was four. He wanted another cookie. I said no.
It wasn’t a big deal—I’d said no a thousand times before.
But that day, something in him snapped. His little face twisted in anger, and he shouted it, loud and sharp:
“I hate you!”
The words cut through me. The room felt smaller.
I swallowed hard, tried to remind myself he didn’t mean it, but my heart clenched anyway.
Because what if—what if—there was a tiny sliver of truth in it?
What if he really did hate me, in that moment?
What if all the ways I tried to be enough, to love enough, weren’t actually reaching him?
I wanted to yell back. I wanted to say, “You don’t mean that! After everything I do for you?” I wanted to throw up a wall between us so I wouldn’t feel the sting.
But instead, I just stood there. Hands shaking. Heart breaking.
If you’ve heard those words from your child, I know how much it hurts.
I know how easily it can make you spiral, wondering if you’re failing in some invisible way.
Wondering if they’ll remember this moment, if it means something bigger than just anger.
But I also know this:
“I hate you” isn’t about hate at all.
It’s about a child too young to handle the weight of their feelings.
It’s about a moment of powerlessness, frustration, and confusion.
And the truth is, the person they love the most is also the person they feel safest unloading those messy emotions onto.
1. The Words Aren’t About You (Even Though It Feels Like They Are)
Kids don’t know how to say:
- “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to do with these big feelings.”
- “I feel out of control, and I don’t know how to make this stop.”
- “I need you, even when I’m pushing you away.”
So they reach for the biggest, most powerful weapon they can think of.
Hate.
It’s a word that shocks, that cuts, that gets a reaction.
They don’t understand its weight the way we do.
They just know it means big anger, and at that moment, their tiny bodies are drowning in it.
If we can remind ourselves of this if we can see the hurt behind their words it makes it a little easier to breathe through the sting.
2. The Last Thing You Should Do (Even Though You’ll Want To)
Everything in you will want to fight back. To defend yourself. To say, “That’s not okay! You don’t talk to me like that!”
But here’s the hard truth:
Reacting with anger or punishment only teaches them one thing—that their big feelings are dangerous.
That’s not to say we should accept cruel words. But the lesson isn’t about punishing them for feeling mad.
It’s about showing them there are other ways to handle that anger.
Instead of:
🔴 “How dare you say that to me?”
🔴 “Go to your room!”
🔴 “Fine, then I won’t do anything for you!”
Try:
🟢 “I see that you’re really mad. I can handle it. But we don’t use words that hurt.”
🟢 “You’re upset. That’s okay. I’m still here, and I still love you.”
🟢 “Let’s take a break and talk when we’re both calm.”
Does it feel unfair in the moment?
Yes.
Does it feel like you’re letting them get away with it?
Yes.
But what you’re really doing is teaching them how to process emotions without hurting the people they love.
And one day, when they’re older, they’ll need that lesson more than you can imagine.
3. It’s Okay If You Need a Minute to Recover
I won’t lie to you.. hearing “I hate you” from your child hurts like hell.
Even when you know they don’t mean it, even when you understand the why behind it, even when you respond with all the patience in the world—it still hurts.
And it’s okay if you need a moment to sit in that.
It’s okay if you have to step into another room and cry.
It’s okay if you need to text your best friend and say, “This sucks. This really, really sucks.”
It’s okay if you need to whisper to yourself, “He doesn’t mean it. He doesn’t mean it.” until the ache softens.
You don’t have to be unshakable all the time.
You just have to be there. Again and again, even when it’s hard.
4. Love Doesn’t Mean Never Getting Hurt
One of the hardest parts of motherhood is realizing that love—real, deep, unconditional love—doesn’t mean we won’t get hurt.
It means we’ll keep showing up, even when we do.
It means we’ll take the words that wound and turn them into lessons.
It means we’ll love them through their worst moments, so they learn how to love through theirs.
It means we’ll be the safe place, the steady hand, the voice that says, “I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurting. And I’m still here.”
Because if we don’t teach them how to navigate hard emotions with love, who will?
So if your child has ever told you they hate you, and you’ve felt the weight of those words settle into your bones, I want you to know this:
💛 You are not failing.
💛 You are not unlovable.
💛 You are not alone.
This moment? It’s just one tiny thread in the massive, beautiful, complicated tapestry of your relationship.
And trust me… when they’re older, when they understand what love really is, they’ll look back and see that you were always there, loving them even when they pushed you away.
And maybe one day, when they have a child of their own who screams “I hate you” in a fit of frustration, they’ll remember the way you handled it.
And they’ll choose love, just like you did.
Hang in there, mama. I know it hurts. But you’re doing better than you think. 💛
